


One of your Earth emotions

by sb_essebi



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: 5 times + 1 fic, M/M, Strangers to Friends to Lovers, Stream of Consciousness, self-hatred / shame, spock doesn't know how to emotion, spock figuring out his feelings, spock has a big fat crush from day 1, spock's pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-04
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2019-02-28 10:41:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13269750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sb_essebi/pseuds/sb_essebi
Summary: Or, 5 times Spock didn’t know what he felt for Jim +1 time he finally did.My star trek secret santa gift for @riddlermethis on tumblr.





	One of your Earth emotions

**Author's Note:**

  * For [riddlermethis](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=riddlermethis).



  1. _Interest_ :



“This is my Science Officer Spock. Spock, this is my good friend Jim Kirk,” says Captain Pike, slinging an arm around the younger man’s shoulder. “He’s a Lieutenant on the Farragut.”

“Spock. Best Science officer in the ‘fleet, I’m told.”

Lieutenant Kirk smiles handsomely at Spock, then surprises him with a satisfying effort at a ta’al. Captivated, Spock requires an additional 2.34 seconds to reciprocate. Not many Humans know not to shake a Vulcan’s hand or care enough to learn the ta’al, and Spock has the inexplicable feeling that Kirk must be an exception to many a rule.

“It is logical to endeavour to perform at one’s best.”

Kirk laughs, but it’s not mocking or dismissive.

“True. But not everyone has what it takes to make it. You do.”

Hazel eyes seem to look straight through Spock's katra.

“You’re the first one to have a word with him and end up complimenting him. Ever the charmer, Jimmy.”

“Go climb a tree, Chris,” Kirk replies. “Graduated as Lieutenant Commander. Top of the class in over _double_ the recommended number of classes. Immediately assigned to the best and shiniest Constitution Class of the whole damn ‘fleet—“

“Ah, back at it with my ship. You’ve not made it Captain yet! See, Spock, Jim here has a bit of a kink with the Enterprise. He can’t wait to steal it away from me.”

“Truly?” asks Spock, amused, curious. He knows Kirk has remarkable records of his own, but he has no knowledge of any desire of his to serve on the Enterprise.

“It’s _not_ true!” Kirk says, laughing nervously and giving the Captain's shoulder a shove. “Look, Spock, it’s nothing like that.” The Lieutenant seems unduly embarrassed at the topic. “Thing is, that Lady was built-“

“In the shipyards of Riverside, Iowa-“

“I was born there,” Kirk nods. “I was seven when I first saw her. Most of the outer hull of the bridge had gone in already. NCC-1701. Saw her leave too in 2245. The Enterprise.” Kirk lets out a wistful sigh. “I was twelve at the time. Know what I thought? _'I’m gonna be the Captain one day.'_ ”

“A most daunting endeavour.”

Kirk rubs his hands together and gazes away, apparently uncomfortable now.

“Well, yeah, uhm—“

Wiser after years among Humans, Spock understands the error of his ways.

“You misunderstand. You were admitted to Starfleet Academy at the age of 19, with one of the highest scores ever achieved. You obtained similarly high scores in your classes, exceeding the recommended quantity of classes, and your performance on the USS Republic was immaculate as far as I know. Captaincy of a ship such as the Enterprise is a prospect suited to your abilities, furthermore—“

The Lieutenant covers his face with both hands, face reddened, and Spock pauses. Overly emotive behaviour like this has never sparked an interest in him. He’s never before found a blush quite so… endearing. From below Kirk’s fingers, all he can hear is a nervous laugh and a whisper:

“Didn’t know anyone was keeping track…”

 

  1. _Attraction_ :



Years later, that slightly insecure, modest Lieutenant has become Captain of the very same ship of his dreams: the Enterprise.

On the transporter pad, in front of Spock and the other Senior Officers, stands a bulkier, more muscular man, with hazel eyes shining and full to the brim with confidence, hopes, dreams, determination, courage… with enterprise. The dress uniform fits him snugly, revealing powerful arms and pectorals, though not without a barely rounded belly. He clasps his hands together as he stares at his new crew, before greeting Spock before all the others with a sincere smile. Spock is lost in it for a few seconds before saying:

“Captain James Tiberius Kirk, as the longest-serving officer on board of this ship, I welcome you on the Enterprise on behalf of the crew at large.”

The Captain grins. His smile is as golden as his skin, brought out even more by a gentle layer of lipstick and the careful appliance of delicate green eyeshadow.

“Thank you, Mister Spock,” he replies with flushed cheeks and a barely contained grin, “I cannot wait to bring the best crew in the quadrant were no man has gone before.”

There is bravery there, perhaps even defiance. Kirk stands fierce as a lion, resplendent as the sun, and Spock feels for the very first time in his life his body heat and burn from within on its own accord, from the base of his spine to the nape of his neck, hair standing to attention. He feels flush, his blood roaring in his ears and cheeks and much, much lower. Every single part of his body tenses and surges with… admiration, for this golden, fearless man, and with the sudden realization that Spock will wish to serve him to his dying day.

 

  1. _Fascination_ :



“You’re a man full of surprises, Spock. I thought your talents lay in the sciences, but yesterday I heard you play that Vulcan lyre of yours as I passed by, and it was _beautiful_.” –a true, physical swell of Spock’s heart- “Now you mean to tell me you play chess as well? Next, McCoy will tell me you discuss morals and philosophy with him!”

Spock is in the rec room playing a game of chess against the computer he programmed himself when the Captain – _Jim_ \- freezes Spock’s world by letting his arm brush along Spock’s shoulder as he sits down in front of him with a smile. The Captain’s smiles -Spock has catalogued at least 19 of them- seem to have an unsettling reaction on Spock, a sort of fluttering sensation in his stomach.

“I do indeed enjoy the game, as well as discussions of a more abstract nature.”

“Ah. And I bet you’re a worthy opponent, too,” Kirk smiles knowingly.

“I remain unmatched,” Spock says proudly. “Therefore I had to program the computer to allow for a more stimulating experience than a solitary.”

Kirk looks pensive and leans towards the board, watching with the eye of someone well-accustomed to the schemes of the game. “You programmed it? So... you can never win?”

Spock feels himself lean towards the Captain, gravitating towards him. He has recently been playing more exactly to distract himself from the conundrum that is James Kirk, a towering beacon of light for every one of Spock’s insecurities, yet a mystery in his gentle ways, warm words, lingering touches that are so different from the behaviour Spock is usually confronted with.

“Indeed not. That is its purpose after all.”

“That’s riddiculous. Turn this thing off and have a real match with a real being of flesh and bone!” He smirks. “And in the meantime we can have a philosophical talk or two.”

“You play?” Spock asks, lifting an eyebrow.

He is unduly hopeful, Jim will be no match for a Vulcan, surely, and yet… Spock is eager to find out more about him. He finds his captain captivating, and he both knows and knows not the reasons.

“I'll have you checkmated your next move,” he’s soon proudly informing his Captain.

“Have I ever mentioned you play a very irritating game of chess, Mister Spock?” He smiles. Interesting. Although, it does make sense with what Spock knows about him so far that Kirk might not be a ‘sore loser’.

“Irritating?” he challenges. “Ah, yes. One of your _Earth_ emotions.”

Grinning graciously, his Captain checkmates him.

“Certain you don't know what irritation is?”

Spock has never before experienced shock.

 

  1. _Friendship_ :



“Jim, when I feel friendship for you, I am ashamed.”

And he does. He does. Spock is ashamed and, for the first time since he was as young child, he can’t stop himself from crying with it. He sobs pathetically into his arm. Shameful, disgusting. He’s disgusted by the rapport he’s building with Jim. It is so overwhelming, so shameful. It’s haunting. It exceeds the borders of camaraderie wildly. It is an obsessive fascination, it’s mingled with _desire_. Pure, _unrelenting_ biological desire. The more he knows Jim… -the Captain! The Captain. _Captain_ -. The more he knows him, the more he is overwhelmed by him, physically, mentally. The more he is biased towards him, brotherly, affectionate even, the more  _he. Feels. Shame_. Father would be appalled. Sarek would disown him truly if he knew.

He’s more affectionate and genuine and human with Jim than with his mother! _That_ is shameful. He enjoys Jim’s company as much as his job. Shameful. Shameful. Unacceptable. Jim keeps him intrigued day and night, caring in every danger, brave to illogic, inspired to madness. Unreasonable.

Inappropriate.

Un-Vulcan.

Yet, it is Jim’s harsh touch that brings him back to himself.

 

  1. _Jealousy_ :



It takes long months for Spock to find a way to efficiently manage everything his relationship with Jim makes him feel, from the shame to the joys, the fears and the sighs of relief, the impossible wishes and the agonizing knowledge that they are not meant to be. He can manage even the sight of Jim with other men and women, often as a ploy and at times out of genuine interest, in spite of the possessive core of the Vulcan instinct.

This time, this time it is different. This time, Jim says something Spock did not know would hurt him so badly.

He is still unsure as to why it even hurts.

This time, with Edith Keeler, James Kirk says he’s in love.

 

\+ 1. _Love_ :

“There can be no excuse for the crime of which I'm guilty. I intend to offer no defence. Furthermore, I shall order Mister Scott to take immediate command of this vessel.”

“Don't you think you'd better check with me first?”

The voice.

Spock’s eyes lifting off the ground.

Every thought gone.

Spinning around.

That handsome grin that puts the sun to shame.

Spock’s own lips splitting around a smile, eyes wide open, tears coming up to them.

 “Captain!”

The first time he feels it. This simple feeling.

 “ _Jim!_ ”

Spock will have Jim’s weight in his arms, his hands within his, their mouths together, Jim’s warmth around and inside and close and mine mine _mine_ and _alive—_

McCoy’s smile steals Spock’s attention. He looks to Jim. Talks to him. Tries to save his face with McCoy. Feels a newborn bond settling in and around the centre of his mind. Perhaps Jim would say his heart. Now is not the time.

Just a few hours of patience. To the end of the shift. Escorting Jim to his quarters. Crowding his personal space gradually. Speaking to him oh so softly. Jim’s eyes glued to his.

“Captain, I fear I am compromised beyond salvation.”

“However might that be, Mister?” Jim whispers.

“It is undoubtedly your fault.”

“Yeah?”

“Indeed.”

“Then you’ve got me pretty well compromised too.”

Jim’s eyes shine. He’s holding his breath.

“Jim…”

Their hands brushing. (Electric. Magical)

“Spock…”

Jim is looking at Spock’s lips. Licking his own. Spock copies him without reason.

“I believe…” Spock murmurs, “I have fallen in love with you.”

“Good.” Jim swallows. “ _Good._ ”

Closing the gap.

One moment, their lips touching, Spock just figuring out if he likes it.

The next, Spock’s mouth worshipping every inch of Jim’s overheated body, thoughts gone, logic gone, hands to hands and mind to mind with Jim, who lies squirming below him, twisting, panting, chanting:

Yes _._

_Yes._

Please, _yes._

Spock, _Spock_ , _please_.

_Please_ know,  _I love you too_.


End file.
